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The FAA And The Occult |
By StarmanDX |
 Everybody who’s anybody knows all about the many secret conspiracies and secret organizations that secretly plague our lives. The Freemasons. The Illuminati. The Ghostbusters. But few, nay, none but I have discovered the absolute truth and survived. “What is this truth?” you might most definitely ask. The connection. All secret societies, and even any organization you might suspect is just slightly evil, are all part of one giant conspiracy. And who is at the head of this conspiracy? Some of my colleagues believe it is Drew Carey. Others say Hitler’s lungs in a robot body. Many have even suggested Satan himself. But only I know the real truth; the man in charge is Satan himself. And his top organization, through which he coordinates all his sinister plans? The FAA. DUN DUN DUN.
“The Federal Aviation Administration?” you say, “that’s just stupid.” WRONG. A more seemingly innocent, even saintly institution you’ll not find. Which makes it perfect for the subtle dealings of the Dark Lord. Think about it. Important people use airplanes ALL THE TIME. EVERY DAY. He who controls the planes controls the Earth. The revelation of such a mind-numbing fact has no doubt opened your eyes to the light.
And, honestly, do you really believe that physics crap about how airplanes fly that they feed everyone? Utter Garbage. How could such a huge, heavy thing really fly? The answer: it can’t. Not normally. Mind-numbing fact #2: Airplanes are powered by magic. “Cool,” you might say. NOT COOL. They run on dark magicks. Magicks so dark you have to spell the word “magic” with a “k.”
At first, the best they could do is drain just a little bit of the soul of the passenger of an airplane every time. Recent advances in occult practices have yielded a plot far more insidious. A plot which lies within the food. Sure, it may taste bad, but often people get very hungry on airplanes. Not to mention, the FAA also use the peanuts and snack mixes for their dark rituals. Now let me tell you why the food tastes so bad. It contains eggs for evil brain parasites. And what do these parasites do? Exactly what their name suggests: latch onto your brain and take over. Unfortunately for the FAA, there is only a 50% that the eggs will survive till adulthood. So imagine, well over half of the people you know have probably been on an airplane recently, some of them more times than others, though, so we’ll round the number of infected people to about half. The only practical solution: get a gun and kill half of everyone you know. Killing the crankiest half of them raises your chances of getting the parasites, but despite the loss of innocents, trust me, you’re doing the world a favor.
Someday the FAA hopes to develop a plane capable of flying STRAIGHT TO HELL. Until that horrid day comes, what can we do? I’m not entirely sure, but I know that we must spread this information. Spread it like wildfire. Unfortunately, now that this has been released, I’ll probably not live through the night, so I leave the responsibility in your hands.
And how do I know all this? Let’s just say a little birdie told me. A little birdie named God. And if you don’t believe me, I’ll call you a close-minded, brainwashed idiot. So there.
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