I
want my cereal stolen again. That's right. Look at how all
these cereals have become "gleeful and nice" over
time. Cookie Crisp is a prime culprit of a cereal that has
become too childish to be comfortable anymore. It used to
have that dog on the front - the bandit dog - who stole
bags and bags of that stuff. And for good reason, because
if there's
anything tastier than eating 80 tiny cookies drenched in
milk, I have yet to try it. And, if you haven't noticed,
the newest box depicts our same loveable crimelord dog,
but what's this? He's wearing a red sweater? Wearing oven
mittens? No bandit outfit? I demand an explanation! He has
gone from expertly sneaking into the factory and stealing
tons of this delectable treat, to being reduced to BAKING
IT HIMSELF. Isn't that what we hire sweatshop workers for?
Why should that dog have to turn into a baker? Because it's
dangerous for children to see it as a bandit. Is that right?
Because I know if I was 5 and saw that dog, I'd say "God,
you know what, I'd love to become a bandit dog that steals
cookies when I grow up". Right. If I saw anyone really
stupid enough to say that, I'd make them eat Cookie Crisp
without the milk, so they could choke on the lack of cereal
softening. It'd be hard as a rock and tear their esophagus
to shreds, and I'd stand there, while they bleed, drinking
tomato juice and laughing. Even though I don't like drinking
tomato juice, note that it's a great way to mock someone
who is bleeding profusely.
Another
cereal that has been passed through the shit-o-matic at
least a dozen times has been Captain Crunch. Yeah, it's
still tasty (Minus the berries). But have you seen the Capn's
behavior? I don't recall the old Capn taking kids on boat
rides to factories where they make fruity-rainbow-balls-of-nasty-tasting-shit.
No, I don't like crunch berries. If I want any berries in
my cereal, I'll buy some real ones at the store and throw
them in. The
Capn is a damn pirate. He should act accordingly. He should
be blasting his ship at full speed onto a beach, raiding
everyone's private bungalows, burning babies, and pilfering
cupboards for gold. And in this case, that gold would be
Captain Crunch. His teeth would be filthy and his hat would
have holes and bloodstains on it. Sure it wasn't like that
to begin with, but the last thing I need in my life is the
acknowledgement that there's a wussy pirate somewhere on
this planet, cartoon or otherwise. And if the Capn has any
cannons on his ship, they always seem to be firing huge
round things that at first glance resemble cannon balls,
but they're not. I mean red crunch berries, blue crunch
berries, purple crunch berries, it's insane. Sometimes confetti
flies out. How badass can you look to the other pirates
when they fire at you, and when you fire back a sound effect
goes "BOOOINK!" and a toy monkey dances on your
deck? The only one who can rule the crunch kingdom anymore
is King Vitamin. He has a sword. He looks like a treacherous,
conceited, lying, vindictive bastard, and I wouldn't have
it any other way. It shows HIM eating a big bowl of his
cereal, rather than sharing it with YOU. The Capn merely
offers you a spoonful of it while smiling. Very unpiratelike.
From now on, do your beloved Dingo a favor and buy as much
cereal with bloody entrails on the box. That's all. |
