If you are reading this, that means - ta da! - you are probably using the internet! However, I am sure that most of you are wondering what exactly this "internet" is. What is it made of? Is it fueled by gasoline, the wishes of small children, and the ground organs of puppies? Perhaps. The only way to find out is to keep on reading. I have spent many a year studying, searching, and analyzing the vast prairies of the interweb, and now have come forward to reveal its secrets to the common man!
Origin
It's a common misconception that the internet was invented in the late 20th century by Al Gore, Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking as a means of sharing pornography. Recent studies have revealed that the internet was, in fact, first developed in the year 4731 BC by ninjas, as a means of sharing pornography. Scientists have yet to fully understand how this was accomplished without computers, but they do know this: it had something to do with nunchucks. Then, when Marco Polo discovered Japan in 3492 BC, the ninjas taught him the technique, which he took back to Europe where it spread like wildfire, albeit through different mediums than nunchucks(scientists believe berets and Swedish Fish were commonly used). Unfortunately, during the Bubonic Plague, the world's population took such a devastating blow that many technologies, including the internet and VHS tapes, were lost except in certain isolated locations.
Today
It has taken thousands of years of recuperation, but finally the internet is once again as common as it was in days gone by. And while the tools we use to access the internet have changed, its content has primarily remained the same. In its early years the internet consisted of 100% pornography. Recent studies by myself have determined this percentage has amazingly decreased to about 99.8%. What makes up that other .2%? Many, many things, some of which I will explain to you now.
Racism: Widely believed to be the second thing on the internet after porn. Whether it's whites hating blacks, blacks hating whites, whites pretending to be black and hating whites, Aryans hating Jews, English hating Scots, Irish hating Scots, or Scots hating Scots, it's all over the place. Makes up the majority of that .2%, but exactly how much is unsure.
Incomprehensible LiveJournal Crap: This up-and-comer is looking likely to overtake racism in the near future; its sheer volume a result of the unbelievably deformed English that many LiveJournal Users use. I'm not talking about your average 1337 crap here, I mean utter keyboard diarrhea like this(taken from the Something Awful Front Page News of March 20th, 2004):
dydn g3t 2 go0o0o0 2 da britneh knz3rt so0o0o0o00oo dat sux0rz so0o0o0o0 loz!!!1! i men, wtf??? my bf andrew wudnt evn bai tik3tz 4 meh so i wuz lyk "wtfz andrew??!?!?!11? i thot u luv3d meh!!!1!" n he go3z "i d0do lUv3rzZzzZZZZZzz u elli3!!11!!!" n i wuz lyk "i no im so00o0o0o0o luvbl3!!" n hiii go3z "yaaa babiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!! <32323233333333222222233333333222" n i wuz lyk "wel i duzn mata cuz lyk 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 gaiz <3323 meh MOR DAN U!!!!!!!!1!! n dey wud bai meh tik3tz 2 dah britneh konzert
OMGZ SERA CONERZZZZZZZZZ ON!!!!!!!! SHII ROX. onlii shiiz uglii!!!!! bonz babii out da doa git ^ n m000v dun mek meh akt da f00!!11 juz get ya stufz boi cuz im tyrd of hiirin all ur laiz!!!1 babii boi i no ul nevaa fid no0o0o0 stufz as gud as myn!!!!!!!!!!11! u mad ur bed n nau u haf2 sliip w/ meh babiii!!!!!!11!! i saw u der w/ myn on iiz!!!11!! JUZ BONZ!!!!!!!1!! omgz diz s0n r0x0rz azzzzZZZZZzz!!1!1! omgz loli3z im so0o00o herdc0rrr.
I honestly don't get a lick o' this, so here's Something Awful's Ben "Greasnin" Platt's closest approximation to a translation(because if anyone understands the internet better than me, it's the Something Awful writers):
I didn't get to go to the Britney concert so that sucks so Desmond Tutu! I mean, what the fuck? My boyfriend Andrew wouldn't even buy tickets for me so I was like "What the fuck, Andrew? I thought you loved me," because I'm a filthy, golddigging tramp. And he goes, "I do love you, Ellie!" And I was like, "I know, I'm so loveable!" And he goes, "Yeah, baby! The Pythagorean Theorem!" And I was like, "Well, it doesn't matter because like a number of guys more than thirty orders of magnitude larger than the number of people on the face of the Earth, which is a larger number than three thousand, three hundred twenty three, me more than you! [Translator's Note: That's right, she went there.] And they would buy me tickets to the Britney concert.
Oh my God, Sara Coner's on! She rocks. Only she's ugly! Bones baby out the door get up and move, don't make me act the fool! Just get your stuff boy, because I'm tired [Translator's Note: Possibly "turd."] of hearing all your lies! Baby boy, I know you'll never fit no stuff as good as mine! You made your bed and now you have to sleep with my baby! I saw you there with mine on he's! Just bones! Oh my various Gods, this song rocks ass! Oh my God lollies, I'm so hardcore.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Moronic Forum Posts: "OMG WTF I H8 U!!!!!1!!1", "y u call me dum? =/", "U WATN TO CYB3R???" Yeah. We've all seen them before. Somewhat similar to LiveJournal crap, but shorter. However, what they lack in length they make up for in numbers. Often the result of eight year olds on a sugar high. Subsequent flamings of said posts would theoretically be as prevalent, but unfortunately, these kind of things often go unflamed.
Future
There are basically two types of internet users, those who use the internet as a tool for self gain and those who are devolved by the internet, as illustrated above. Over time the effects of which will become more and more apparent until someday the former will become god-like masters of the Earth and the latter become ape-like slaves. Thus it can be seen that mankinds destiny is inseperably intertwined with the internet, and the future is bright and glorious for those who are not stupid.
Next Week: StarmanDX's Complete Guide to the Universe! Be there or be rectanguloid!
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