I
won't lie to anyone, I'm a chicken. Not like the forty foot
tall squaking feathery nuisance chicken, but the coward
who is afraid of simple things. One of those things is survival
horror games. I got Resident Evil 2 a long time ago for
Christmas, lets see how well I did playing it.
First
Hour
Vince's Controller State: Good as new.
Vince's Mental State: Happy and joy-filled.
So far so good, I turn the N64 on and watch the exquisite
intro, being an N64 owner at the time I had never seen a
Full Motion Video before so RE amazed me. Blah blah blah,
stuff happens, people die, city turns into zombies. I walk
a few steps to a weapon shop and enter, blah blah blah,
something happens. I begin looting the weapon store as is
protocol for most disasters. All is well until Zombies promptly
crash through the window and kill some guy who didn't seem
to care I was looting his store. I quickly run out the back
door and swallow my heart so it's back where it should be.
Second
Hour
Vince's Controller State: Sweat and nacho cheese drenched.
Vince's Mental State: Partially freaked out.
Ok no biggie, I ran through the city and eventually came
to a police station. I begin wandering around opening doors
and watching the un-terrifying door opening animation that
always plays. Upon walking through one hall I look up to
see there is something angry clinging to the ceiling. It
drops down and being the fool I am I wasted all my ammo
already by shooting at a zombie that I thought wasn't dead.
The thing rapes me with it's tongue and after filing a report
I beat it to death with my police-club thingy.
Third
Hour
Vince's Controller State: B Button permanently mashed in
after beating tongue monster to death with club.
Vince's Mental State: Slightly shooken up.
And so I wander further into the police station, touching
things and unlocking other things. I am having fun doing
meaningless busy work. Upon walking past some windows which
I figured would be safe (since they were boarded up) hands
shot through the boards and grabbed me. Upon screaming like
a girl I noted my controller was now unplugged and on the
other side of the room. After retrieving it I ran from the
window of death and went to solve some more meaningless
puzzles.
Fourth
Hour
Vince's Controller State: Controller has small crack in
it from hitting my sister.
Vince's Mental State: Think happy thoughts....
Upon solving more meaningless puzzles I walk to some shed
out back for reasons I don't remember. I open the door in
the back of the shed to fine a zombie walking right into
the door-opening animation. Upon screaming in terror the
Zombie grabs me and begins to bite me. I frantically tap
the A button and rotate the analog stick in a vain attempt
to do something of value. Eventually the zombie got bored
and went out to a movie or something. Thus I continue on
my adventure.
Fifth
hour
Vince's Controller State: Analog stick loose from mass rotation.
Vince's Mental State: In desperate Need of a hug.
Having solved more puzzles I realize I need something that's
in an interrorgation room. I walk into the room and look
at the double sided mirror. Seeing only myself I assume
I am safe. I walk to the shelf and grab the item awaiting
me. Upon turning around a dog leaps through the mirror and
bites me. After cheating death this many times I still don't
know if I died or not because I threw my controller into
the wall and turned off the game.
And
thus I never even got halfway through Resident Evil 2. Instead
I wound up with a broken N64 controller and terrifying dreams
for weeks in which Taco Bell is out of Grilled Stuffed Burritos
and the entire staff has turned into Zombies. And that is
why I haven't bought an RE game since. Barbie's Treasure
Hunting Adventure is much more my speed.
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