Raising children nowadays
isn't easy. As a matter of fact it may be the hardest thing
you'll ever attempt to do. I wouldn't know since I don't have
children but someday I might find a girl pathetic enough to
bare my child. And in that case I intend to warn her about
all these hazards that await our child in the form of Video
Games. I will warn you these may contain spoilers to games
so if you haven't beaten one of the topics it may be best
to skip it. On the other hand you shouldn't be reading this
if you aren't a concerned parent.
Hazard #1 - Final Fantasy VII
Some say a boy's mind is the most fragile thing in the
world. You need to keep your kids away from this game. It
will suck away 40 hours of their life and leave them with
nothing more than a depressed feeling and pixelated materia.
Yipee. Symptoms showing your child has been playing Final
Fantasy VII may include him shutting down your water heater
and screaming about Mako. Or perhaps he'll start attacking
every guy who carries an 8 foot long sword and wears a black
trenchcoat all the while yelling something about avenging
Aerith. Beware...
Hazard #2 - Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3
In
a world where todays youngsters aren't "cool" if they don't
do what they see on TV you should always watch out for your
kids. If you find them delving into skateboarding it's not
a big deal. If you find them learning to skateboard and
a copy of Tony Hawk 3 under their bed you're in trouble.
Sure the game seems harmless but when your child begins
to watch Tony Hawk drop from 3 stories and land all the
while standing on his head it's only natural your child
must learn how to do this too. There was a report of a woman
who found her child trying to skateboard using a surfboard.
It was automatically assumed that the child had seen Kelly
Slater (that surfer guy who gueststars in Tony Hawk) grind
the top of a movie theater. It didn't matter much because
the child was hit by a fire truck as soon as he realized
his surfboard didn't roll.
Hazard #3 - Superman
Not only is THE superman game dangerous but anything even
remotely related to him is dangerous. Your child will watch
Superman break through walls with his bare hands and then
cut themselves to pieces when they try to do the same to
the brick wall outside your house. If your kids are going
to play this game it's best to rap them completely in bubble
tape and prepare to sue DC Comics for all they've got.
Hazard #4 - Sonic The Hedgehog
Everyone loves Sonic. He curls up into a little ball and
rolls. Although it is
unproven that
rolling into a ball and trying to break through walls and
find golden rings in real life is dangerous you should be
careful nonetheless. If you're child starts talking to his
invisible flying fox friend it may be time for you to inject
him with sleeping liquid and raid his video game collection
for this horrible game.
That's all the hazards I can think of for now. Everyone
be careful and keep your lawyers on hold because you never
know what will happen to your child next.
