Valentine's
Day is here and the love probably won't be gotten overwith
until about a week later. Everyone sniffing their roses,
eating their chocolate, getting fat, and then breaking up
with their significant other. However ladies and gentlemen,
Valentine's Day isn't just about love... it's also about
gazelles. Why? Because gazelles are the keepers of blood
and evil! Blood and evil is perfect for Valentine's Day,
because nobody expects it. One second you're kissing  your
girlfriend, the next thing you know a gazelle runs your
girlfriend through with a sharpened tree branch. She bleeds
in your arms, she dies, and we all know the first thing
that comes to mind: "Shit, and I payed good money to
buy her those roses!"
So now you're 5 bucks in the shitter, your
girlfriend is dead, and the gazelles stole her fingers to
put in their soup. But how could you have prevented this?
I'll give you some safety tips.
1. Always wear rubber suits. Gazelles don't
feast on little children that squeak when they move.
2. Carry something that can give out mass electrical shocks.
One bludgeon with this object and they'll not only bleed
from their new man-made head orifice but they'll be warm
and toasty.
3. Never ever let the gazelle know your guard is down. I
strongly suggest getting a pair of slinky-eye-glasses and
putting them on the back of your head.
Let me tell you a story about a little boy
named George. Now, George wasn't a smart boy. He messed
with many things he shouldn't have. One day George was playing
in his front yard on Valentine's Day - I think you can see
the  horrendous
mistake there already. A gazelle jumped from behind a tree
and slashed George's eyebrows right off his skull. George
was now unable to do James Bond's "horny look".
He tried to run inside, but the gazelle grabbed George by
the nostrils and threw him into the mailman's mail bag.
George kicked and screamed, but the mailman stuffed George
in a mailbox, and his bones broke and he bled all over the
mailbox. See, the mailman was working undercover for the
gazelle, because all gazelles are filthy rich. Kinda tricky.
So on this Valentine's Day and all future
ones... watch out, or you might find a gazelle chewing on
your cat.
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