While sitting here, drinking my Aquafina water, I was wondering why the hell there are 15 different companies selling the same exact thing - Filtered water. Who on Earth comes up with this stuff? The only explanation is that all of these companies are owned by one central conglomerate called HappyWater Inc. or something equally refreshing-sounding. It must also be the most lucrative business in the whole world, because what do you need for raw material? Oh, sure, you need plastic for the bottles and labels, but what else? Nothing. All you have to do is scoop up mud puddles with a bucket and dump it into the Aquafina-o-matic and out comes water so clean and sparkling you'd swear someone dropped a bag of glitter into the end product. And what would it be like to work at a water processing factory? Do you stir the water to make sure the hydrogen doesn't separate from the oxygen?

If it's just as simple as delivering shitty water, purifying said water,mechanically bottling it, what left is there to do? Well, there's always the 50-year-old black lady at the end of the belt that puts the bottles into a box. But that must be the worst type of factory to work at. In something like a video game packing company, you can easily snag a game off the conveyor belt and keep it for hours of fun (I should know, my brother knows some fellow who does just that). But what are you going to do with a white lab coat filled with illegal water? Pass it out to your friends, tell them to keep hush hush and there will be more in it for them? If I had a friend that smuggled me water I'd probably rip his head off and eat it. No friend gives you water, especially illegal water. What happens if you get caught with that water? Do you flush it down the toilet like you'd do when getting rid of crack cocaine?

Still, the most astounding thing is that they're selling something they ripped directly from nature and barely did anything to. That'd be like me ripping a tree out of the ground, giving it a bath, putting it in a box and selling it. What purpose would that serve? The only one who can get away with selling trees is that old guy down the road who happens to have a hill full of pine trees and figures he'll make a mint by telling you to take an axe, chop down a Christmas tree by yourself, and then YOU pay HIM for it. Oh my God, I just realized how much madness that is. This guy is making 15 dollars per tree by sitting back in his lawn chair watching you suffer in the cold while you swing an axe at that stubborn son-of-a-bitch tree, and he just drinks lemonade (Which he bought with your tree purchase last year) and has a smug look on his face. He knows he jipped you because he's trying to buy his own hotel on that land, and all he needs now is for a bunch of happy families to come and clear the hill of all the trees, then get paid for you doing the labor. He then spends the money on his hotel, the Christmas tree farm becomes Spanky's Love Shack, and all hell breaks loose as babies are flung from catapults and clowns explode into at least 14 pints of confetti. I hope you're happy, old man. I hope you're happy.