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My Key Doesn't Perform My Key Doesn't Perform
By GIB
Now, it’s been quite some time since I added anything to B*B, but I felt like writing once more. This is actually the second of two articles that I’m writing. You should be able to read the other one, if Vince has gotten of his arse and uploaded it. Hell, I’m assuming he’s done just this one. It was inspired by complete lack of efficiency by that lovable rogue, Bill Gates. Or the designers of Microsoft Office 2003. Or perhaps some underpaid immigrant monkey at the distribution centre of my laptop’s manufacturer. Whatever the case, I need a scapegoat because this time, my inadequacy with computers does not explain this problem.

Not too long ago I had my 18th birthday. A magical age here in England, you’re finally an adult, able to look at naked women in pictures and drink alcohol. Legally that is, I’ve been doing it for years. Kinda taken the fun out of them. They don’t feel so dirty anymore. But anyway, as my present I got a brand spanking new laptop, with not too shabby specs. By no means good in comparison to a lot of what is available, but better than what I had. But that means going through the infernal process of installing everything. As a closing note of this paragraph, I would like to apologise of the humour thus far. Just like you, I’m hoping for improvement.

What program do you use when you want to write? Of course, that overpriced, glorified notepad, Word! As this was my first time using it the stupidly long and complicated product key had to be entered. But I do not know this, so I go searching for the Office CD. But I don’t have one. Ahh. So I look in the booklet, it says the certificate of authenticity is on the back. Ah ha! But no, just message saying it’s been put on the back of my PC. And there it was, sure enough, resting just centimetres from my groin! I write down the number on a piece of paper to avoid constant flipping of said laptop, feeling quite proud of myself to have devised such a devious plan, and choosing to forget the pointless search that happened merely minutes before.

And so I enter the magical set of symbols that will unlock the mystic word. I eagerly anticipate the thrill of the typed word, much like the malnourished inhabitants of an orphanage look forward to the barrel of gruel on Christmas day, the one time that their food has been certified as fit for human consumption. But alas, it is incorrect! And in true Microsoft style, there is no comforting message to assure me that this happens to all men’s product keys sometimes, and it‘s not a big deal.

Frantically, I flip my laptop over to check that my key is correct, and it is! There is no difference to what is on the sticker and in those boxes, but how can this be? Has the inefficiency of Microsoft now reached such barbaric levels that just getting their products to customers has problems? They’ve never had trouble getting money before. I try again, and fail once more. And so I repeat the process. After doing the multiple times, my chance of having children are being seriously reduced by the lovely radiation coming from my laptop. Not that removing my ability to reproduce is a bad thing, but my testicles are beginning to feel like they are very slowly imploding.

After ten minutes I give in, and realise the horrible truth - I’m going to have to use Works word Processor. It’s just like Word, but less satisfying, like what little fun could be had in a program designed for writing has sucked out, and it leaves you with a bitter aftertaste and a dirty feeling that no shower can remove.

And the irony of this whole story is that while searching for the Office CD I found the one for Works, complete with CD key. I’m yet to be asked for it.