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"if viewed by accident...induce vomitting"  

Compensate for your Inadequacy Compensate for your Inadequacy
By GIB
Now, over here in England we know what we like. Beer bellies, fish and chips and running empires. But none of those things are advertised. Well, have you ever had a spam email saying enlarge your empire? Exactly. But back to the point, what goes onto our televisions during the commercial breaks, or piss breaks as I call them?

Compensation advertisements.

Yup, you know the type. Some slightly below average looking person who manages to lack all sex appeal walks towards you at a 45 degree angle, keeping their eyes focused on you. Which is a wise move, considering that it’s telling you about falling over things you didn’t see despite being blatantly obvious and getting money for it. And then you get some-one telling you of their accident, with a poor reconstruction playing. I’d like to quote to you one such event, as brought to us by Claims Direct.

“I was installing a burglar alarm, and was given the wrong type of ladder. It slipped, and I fell onto my hand. I was awarded £3000. ($5000)”


My first reaction is the discovery that there is a wrong type of ladder. I only know of three types, your standard rung ladder for going up, step ladders that are as useful a box but harder to manoeuvre to where you need them, and those delightful coloured ones that take small children upwards so they can use a slide.

But after some thought I came upon two reasons why giving money to this man is wrong. The first is that as a professional with an apparently extensive knowledge of ladders, and who knew this was of the incorrect variety yet still used it, is obviously a moron. Given money for falling on his hand? He should be shot. Taken out of the gene pool. If his kind gets to reproduce then we’ll be a race of people falling off ladders, and when the day comes that the Tuna people launch their attack we’ll be unable to pick up our weapons to resist them. Soon they’ll be putting us in cans.

The alternative to this is that he was told about the flaw of ladder choice at a latter date, and so if he can’t select the correct wooden vertical distance enhancing equipment, then the comparative complexity of a burglar alarm is way beyond his skill level. He is therefore in fact a pirate! Not the fun kind with parrots and eye patches, but one who takes your money and leaves you with holes in your walls! In which case he should also be shot, as apart from being a crook, he is also paving the way to a society where thieves can easily rob people who think that their house has an alarm, but in fact just have a white lump stuck on the outside of their house. Soon the thieves will own everything, leading to the average person to have to steal to stay alive. It won’t be long before no-one has no idea what belongs to who and corpses of fat people unable to escape with the food they just stole lie rotting in the streets. The plague come back from the rats, well fed on this McDonalds grown food, and with the theft of the cure, the human race ceases to exist in an agonising, pus filled demise.

So there we go. Compensation is merely anti-Darwinism, slowly leading us to our doom as the idiots are given more resources for doing what they do best. So do your art as a human being, and shoot anyone who wants compensation.